Sedentary Accomplishments

I've become sedentary.

I have a gym membership I used to use daily. I loved it. I guess I need to call and have it frozen until I can get off the couch without feeling dizzy. 

I haven't been able to do anything for weeks, really. Right now I'm too tired even to read. I get a thin feeling of accomplishment from playing World of Warcraft...that and reading are about all I can do. Unfortunately I need a new book at the moment and I'm too high level in WoW for the laptop I can use during the day until Andrew gets home. *sigh* (If this makes no sense to you it just means the game is to much for my computer to handle).

I mustered up the energy to do a little cleaning this morning, which was something. And I got dressed and did my hair. It may not sound like much, but right now it's a big accomplishment. It keeps me going a bit. Schwann order comes in today so we'll finally have food. I hope it's good...should make things easier. Started the higher dose of Topamax today too. 

I went ahead and turned down a couple of requests to serve in the nursery at church this summer...I hated to do it but realistically a room full of squealing toddlers is a bad idea for me right now. I'm not even able to leave the house sometimes at all anyway. I feel more and more like I'm totally losing contact with people. Even the people I love seem to look at me skeptically when I say I can't leave the house or do this or that because of a migraine. I hate the looks they give me. 

Migraine Day

The migraines have been getting worse the last few days. The doctor prescribed more relpax (more at a time, yay, no more $10/pill) but it's not doing the trick. I feel weak and exhausted, and my head spins when I stand up. I really need to go grocery shopping and was looking forward to a BBQ tonight, but it's not looking good. I did the bad parent thing and put my son in the pack n play in front of the tv for a while so I could take a bath...wasn't even up to standing in the shower. At least I felt well enough to have some playtime with him this morning...I'm always afraid he's getting neglected.

Prioritizing

I've been thinking lately about priorities. 

I'm a little obsessed with finding the best way to do everything. For instance, I love the website allrecipes.com. I use it to find the best rated recipes so I don't have to waste my time with mediocre ones. I also usually research products before I buy them. And I look up instructions on the best way to unclog a sink or finish a deck before I do it, because who wants to waste time doing it ineffectively? Unfortunately, I probably spend just as much time researching. Oh well.

My point is, I like this about myself, but it's just not always practical. Because of my perfectionism I've made a list so long of things to do, that with chronic migraines, I never even get halfway done. So I'm trying to think of ways to simplify, at least for now.

1. Putting away the cloth diapers.  Let me just say these aren't your grandmother's cloth diapers. They rock. They are shaped like a disposable diaper and velcro shut almost the exact same way. They are waterproof, and also very cute. I don't have to dunk them in the toilet. I don't mind them at all. And they're better for the environment. But I spend extra time washing and preparing diapers when I could be doing a 20-minute pick-up or something around the house. I've already saved a few thousand dollars by using them, so I don't have to feel so bad about shelving them. I can always get them back out of if I get better. 

2. Easy Meals. I love to cook. I love to make all kinds of fun things, especially if they're Japanese. But I'm going to get frozen meals and stuff for sandwiches, and make only 1-2 fancy meals/week. 

3. Toys. I actually already did this a month or 2 ago. I took all my son's toys and put them in a basket in his closet (regretfully, I've yet to organize them better) and pulled out a few to keep on a shelf in the living room. On the advice from a great blog, I only keep out a dozen or so at a time and rotate them weekly. Does wonders for the mess. My son actually functions better, too. Double blessing.

4. Decluttering. If it's not being used, it needs to be put away or gotten rid of. Easier said than done, but keeping excess stuff around just makes it harder to maintain. 

5. How to do things. Sometimes you don't need to research. Sometimes you can just do something. It may not be that absolute best it could be, but it's sufficient and hasn't totally worn me out. 

6. Parenting. This is a migraine in the making. What is the absolute best thing to do when my child throws his carrots on the floor? When he climbs on the table? Pulls out all the dvds? How much should he be eating anyway? Am I teaching him everything he needs to know? Two words: CALM DOWN. You don't have to read every parenting website and book to be a good parent. And you don't have to make the most perfect decision every time - as if that's possible. Yes there are endless considerations out there. No, you don't have to consider every single one. 

I'm beginning to see why I get migraines. (>_<)

Outrageous Friday, List Style

• Walgreens printed the instructions strangely for my Topamax, so I called the doctor's assistant and sure enough, instructions were totally wrong and I had taken my first dose at the wrong time. 
  
• On the way to art museum, tire loses a strip of itself on the highway. Hubbs decides to drive on it anyway... *wince*
• Enjoyed the art museum, got to theater early to watch Star Trek in the Omnimax. Waited in line for an obnoxious amount of time for good seats.
• Some company had reserved the 4 best rows in the theater (on a Friday night in the Omnimax!!) so even though we waited in line for over an hour and we were 2nd in line we got mediocre seats. And there was a bug on the screen the whole time. Apparently this theater doesn't realize it's dealing with trekkies. They are not wise.
• Sitting in theater and my good old friend the migraine decides to make his appearance, in case I was having any fun without him. 
• Opened up my relpax prescription which I had picked up a few hours prior. What.The.Frack. There is one pill in the bottle. ONE PILL. Look on bottle. "Qty. 1"  I don't remember any of that touching scene of Spock's. 
• Call Walgreens on the way home from theater, it's too late to pick up anything, they close in 4 minutes. They say they got the quantity right.
• I call after hours exchange and the doctor on call (not my doctor) doesn't want to give me more pills. It seems strange to her that the doctor would only prescribe one of these (um yeah, seems strange to me too) and that I would call at night when I couldn't pick up the pill until in the morning. Obviously she doesn't experience migraines. I've gone 2 months without this medicine, so why is it so urgent I get it now? Um, I don't like to be in pain.
• She tells me the Topamax should be helping with the migraines. I shouldn't have them every day. Relpax is not the kind of thing you should be taking every day. Um, it takes Topamax much longer than one day to start helping with migraines. What am I supposed to do in the meantime? By the way, pain hurts. 
• She tells me she will call in one more pill. I get phone number. She has me read prescription info. There were 3 refils. That's all well and good. I get to pay my $10 for each pill separately. That's $40 for 4 pills. And that will only get me through most of the weekend, and I will have to turn around and buy more on Monday. Really trying not to break down right now. In case some haven't noticed, money isn't exactly flowing freely through the streams of the American economy right now. 
• I give up. Apologize for bothering her. I will resign myself to the panic of an impending migrainous weekend, in which I'm supposed to drive an hour and 1/2 to pick my son back up from his grandmother's, get my tires fixed, and spend a day with my extended family. It's also been nearly a week since I've seen my son. 
• I can't wait to see my son.

Balancing Life With Chronic Migraines - Walk the Line

I got up feeling pretty decent this morning. My pain level's at a 2 or 3 (out of 10) and despite some grogginess I am looking forward to doing some fun things. My husband's taking a 1/2 day off and so this afternoon we're going to see the Ming Dynasty exhibit at the art museum and then to see the New Star Trek movie (yes, we're both trekkies lol). I'm determined to be able to hold out all through the walking it will take to go to the art museum. My physical therapist warned me to only get 5 minutes of exercise at a time, and that's low-impact stuff like walking. An excuse for a piggy-back ride from the hubbs? :D Then tomorrow we're going to be gaming for hours with my brother who lives with my parents right now. I'm a bit leery of all the activity, but I miss my son terribly, who has been with my mother all week while I had a string of doctor's appointments etc. I almost went and picked him up yesterday on my own, but the headache and new medication kept me from making the hour and 1/2 drive. 

My son is 15 months old. He's so very adorable, and thankfully, a mostly easy baby.  God knows what we can handle right? lol. But I'm constantly flooded with guilt about not being able to play with him as much as I should, and not reading to him as regularly as I was. The last couple of months have been daily headaches (no day without one) so I feel like I've neglected him. *Sigh* Poor kid...he doesn't understand what a migraine is. But my mom has been lots of help despite the drive she has to make, and my husband comes home from work and pretty much takes over for me. 

So what I constantly struggle with is walking the line between giving up on life and pushing myself with too much activity. It's a finer line than you might think. And it moves from day to day. I'm bored. I'm tired. I'm in pain. Despite the fatigue and pain I have to find things to do...and I need to accomplish something sometimes. Otherwise it's very hard to fight depression. And I need/want to spend time with my family. I need to keep the house clean (you may laugh at that but a messy house stresses me out and aggravates the headaches...I'm not demanding perfection) and food on the table. I need to keep in touch with friends and family (It's easy to slip through the cracks when you're at home all the time and not around people). I need spiritual nourishment. And I want to serve other people. 

But balance is hard. How much should I push myself? A bit more pain is an acceptable sacrifice in order to live I think. But how much is hard to know. 

A few things I've learned:

• How to say no to commitments
• How to make tentative plans and be ready for them to fall through
• How to thicken my skin when people scoff at hearing I can't handle something b/c I have a headache or b/c it will lead to a headache
• I am human, I do have limits
• Sometimes enjoyment of something is worth the extra pain
• You need support of people who understand what you're going through, or who want to try to understand
• Idleness leads to depression - you must find something you can do, even if it's small.

I'll leave you with this short post I found helpful: Balance is Overrated: Choosing Fun Despite Knowing Vengeful Migraine Imminent

Opening Thoughts

What does it take to turn this:

into this?

No this isn't a crappy white girl attempt to look like a rapper. 

I have been living with chronic headaches for around 6 years now. It started when I was in college. Their frequency and intensity has fluctuated greatly over the years, but I don't usually go many days without them. The cause is still unknown, as is the cure. I have been working with a good doctor but we're still skipping around from treatment to treatment trying to find something that even affects the headache cycle. 

I'm currently in a 2-month long migraine marathon. I haven't gone a day without a headache in this time period, and I'm in physical therapy to deal with the toll chronic pain has taken on the muscles in my neck, shoulders, and spine.  It does seem to be helping. We recently tried amitriptyline (prevention) for the 2nd time, but it made me groggy all the time so I had to stop. Midrin worked for a while (abortive) but eventually gave me rebound headaches. Just about every pain killer known to man has made me miserably nauseated and most lead to vomiting. Today I'm starting Topamax (Topiramate) for prevention and Relpax (eletriptan HBr) as abortive treatment. So many fun things to spell lol. I'm planning on seeing a specialist in the near future, once I try a few more things with my doctor. I will be posting more later about the daily experience of chronic headaches.

Read Webmd.com's descriptions of the different kinds of headaches. 

I just started keeping a headache journal.